Saturday, December 27, 2008
Fucking Smokers
I understand that sitting in a poker game for hours is tough to do for those who smoke, and I further understand if the homeowner is going to allow some smoking so the addicted are more comfortable, but how about some friggin' consideration you fucking burnouts? There is a reason the windows are wide open when it is twenty degrees outside. We are freezing but you take the homeowners permission to have the occassional puff as a license to chain smoke. Is there really such a need to fire up a new butt by using the old one as a light? Is it too much to ask that you take a pause between cigarettes and give the non-smokers a break from your filthy habit? You aren't even smoking half of that cancer stick, rather are letting it burn down before you realize you didn't get enough of your drug delivered and so need another immediately. I have no problem letting you smoke in moderation but your complete lack of consideration for others is more disgusting than your yellow teeth will ever be. The frequency with which you continue to light up is enough reason for me to chop your goddamned head off to save cancer the effort of ending your miserable existence. It also adds insult to injury that those bottom-shelf cigs smell worse than the dog's breakfast. You are losers who in the end will expect me to pay for your smoking-related illnesses and I will laugh in your faces as you drown in your own fluids.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Telephone Alarm Clock
My wife is an elementary school teacher and when the weather is bad enough the school district declares a "snowday" and closes the schools. However our particular school district has this obsession with spending as much money as possible and so has invested in an automated system to inform all employees of such a situation. Gone are the days when you simply turned on the television when you awoke to read the list of cancellations. This was just too practical. Instead what happens now is the phone rings an hour before the alarm clock is even set to go off and an automated voice explains whether there is a delay in the school day start time or an outright snowday. What the....?
I'm sure the powers that be had the best of intentions, but they wake you up extra early to then tell you to sleep in a bit more or to even stay home from work. Who can get back to sleep after being startled by the ring of the bedside telephone, heart pounding from the unusual early morning call normally reserved for emergencies? Now there is an adrenaline surge, and knowing you have a whole day at your disposal makes sleep near impossible for the wife and so near impossible for me as well. Thanks school district! Just when I thought you coudn't screw up anything else, you find a way to ruin another part of my life. How much will my taxes go up this time for such a convenience? Now there is a wake up call.
I'm sure the powers that be had the best of intentions, but they wake you up extra early to then tell you to sleep in a bit more or to even stay home from work. Who can get back to sleep after being startled by the ring of the bedside telephone, heart pounding from the unusual early morning call normally reserved for emergencies? Now there is an adrenaline surge, and knowing you have a whole day at your disposal makes sleep near impossible for the wife and so near impossible for me as well. Thanks school district! Just when I thought you coudn't screw up anything else, you find a way to ruin another part of my life. How much will my taxes go up this time for such a convenience? Now there is a wake up call.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Chrysler Sucks Ass
My very first car was a 1983 Dodge Shelby Charger and I loved that car, that is until the cam shaft literally broke into pieces. Chrysler engines have never impressed me and I vowed never to buy another one. Well apparently I didn't learn my lesson because I recently bought a 2004 Chrysler Concorde XL because for the price it seemed like a steal. Well guess what? I have an engine problem. What a suprise?
With the ever increasing alcohol content in gasoline, which absorbs moisture, the oil return ports on the Chrysler 2.7 liter V6's are so small that they gunk up with sludge after very few miles. This traps oil in the heads and starves the oil pump. The problem is compounded by a redesigned crankcase ventilation system that eliminates the venting of vapors to the atmoshpere, so the alcohol and water cannot "cook off" properly, eventually resulting in a blown engine. I am discovering I am not alone with this problem and that the manufacturer is playing dumb on the issue. Imagine that?
I am finding it difficult to find a mechanic that will even touch the car and I am told newer engines are near impossible to find (most likely because they are all toast!). I guess I am destined to relearn the same lesson about never buying another shit-ass Chrysler product? The sad thing is that I have a sixteen year old GMC pickup that I quit changing the oil in two years ago and it still runs like a top. When it dies the wife has agreed that we will replace it, but I simply cannot kill it. Instead the car I methodically maintain isn't worth the scrap metal it is made out of. I thought things would be different with Daimler on board but they still blow and continue to shove it to their customers even after they get bailed out decade after decade. Fuck off, Chrysler! You deserve to go belly up.
2/21/10 EDIT: It looks like I failed to mention I recently dumped nearly 40K on a new Dodge Ram pick-up. Yes Virginia, I am retarded.
With the ever increasing alcohol content in gasoline, which absorbs moisture, the oil return ports on the Chrysler 2.7 liter V6's are so small that they gunk up with sludge after very few miles. This traps oil in the heads and starves the oil pump. The problem is compounded by a redesigned crankcase ventilation system that eliminates the venting of vapors to the atmoshpere, so the alcohol and water cannot "cook off" properly, eventually resulting in a blown engine. I am discovering I am not alone with this problem and that the manufacturer is playing dumb on the issue. Imagine that?
I am finding it difficult to find a mechanic that will even touch the car and I am told newer engines are near impossible to find (most likely because they are all toast!). I guess I am destined to relearn the same lesson about never buying another shit-ass Chrysler product? The sad thing is that I have a sixteen year old GMC pickup that I quit changing the oil in two years ago and it still runs like a top. When it dies the wife has agreed that we will replace it, but I simply cannot kill it. Instead the car I methodically maintain isn't worth the scrap metal it is made out of. I thought things would be different with Daimler on board but they still blow and continue to shove it to their customers even after they get bailed out decade after decade. Fuck off, Chrysler! You deserve to go belly up.
2/21/10 EDIT: It looks like I failed to mention I recently dumped nearly 40K on a new Dodge Ram pick-up. Yes Virginia, I am retarded.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Student Athlete Injustice
If anyone has been following the proceedings surrounding Syracuse University Basketball player Eric Devendorf and his recent legal troubles then you may have developed your own opinion on this matter. Fortunately for you I am here to set you straight. Being before a court of law is a serious matter, but being before some council made up primarily of students that very well could decide your fate as it applies to the remainder of your career is well outside the boundaries set forth by the United States Constitution and should be analyzed with much more scrutiny.
Whatever the findings of an actual legal tribunal, student councils and university justice is a fickle thing. The fate of an individual is put before a group on naive youngsters with no legal training and who may share the view that only guilty people have run-ins with the police, not to mention jealousy and ignorance as factors in their decision-making processes. How a court can exhonerate you but a student council can take away the remainder of your collegiate sports career and possibly your pofessional asperations is perplexing.
Lawyers with dreams of making a name for themselves are able to break with protocol at the expense of young athletes who fail to understand their need for proper legal council. They are able to posture and impugn with little recourse, at the expense of these young kids, for the benefit of their unscrupulous selves seeking the limelight. The lure of the ESPN cameras is too much to withstand so they make their case to a national audience while failing to recognize the defendant's right to due process. Then you have these student councils that completely dismiss the testimony of multiple witnesses because of the biases they unknowingly hold such as the belief that fellow teammates would lie under oath, against the instructions of their coaches and council, to protect "one of their own." The legal system does not work ths way but a system placed in the hands of children certainly does. This young student is watching his future flow down the drain because some lousy driver caused an accident, copped an attitude about it, and then realized they could possibly get paid because their own negligence brought them face to face with someone who is quasi-famous and therefore provides the stage needed to make an issue out of a common occurence.
What we are left with is a young person who finds himself in a disturbing situation, who's only crime is failing to walk away from confrontation with someone who created such a situation, who then is refused the benefit of witness testimony and punished based not on fact but on hearsay and speculation. This is not right and has no basis as proper proceedings in our free and just society. A court system established outside of the framework of common law should not be recognized when it is comprised of individuals without the necessary training and expertise to make decisions that are so permanent and devastating to the accused.
Whatever the findings of an actual legal tribunal, student councils and university justice is a fickle thing. The fate of an individual is put before a group on naive youngsters with no legal training and who may share the view that only guilty people have run-ins with the police, not to mention jealousy and ignorance as factors in their decision-making processes. How a court can exhonerate you but a student council can take away the remainder of your collegiate sports career and possibly your pofessional asperations is perplexing.
Lawyers with dreams of making a name for themselves are able to break with protocol at the expense of young athletes who fail to understand their need for proper legal council. They are able to posture and impugn with little recourse, at the expense of these young kids, for the benefit of their unscrupulous selves seeking the limelight. The lure of the ESPN cameras is too much to withstand so they make their case to a national audience while failing to recognize the defendant's right to due process. Then you have these student councils that completely dismiss the testimony of multiple witnesses because of the biases they unknowingly hold such as the belief that fellow teammates would lie under oath, against the instructions of their coaches and council, to protect "one of their own." The legal system does not work ths way but a system placed in the hands of children certainly does. This young student is watching his future flow down the drain because some lousy driver caused an accident, copped an attitude about it, and then realized they could possibly get paid because their own negligence brought them face to face with someone who is quasi-famous and therefore provides the stage needed to make an issue out of a common occurence.
What we are left with is a young person who finds himself in a disturbing situation, who's only crime is failing to walk away from confrontation with someone who created such a situation, who then is refused the benefit of witness testimony and punished based not on fact but on hearsay and speculation. This is not right and has no basis as proper proceedings in our free and just society. A court system established outside of the framework of common law should not be recognized when it is comprised of individuals without the necessary training and expertise to make decisions that are so permanent and devastating to the accused.
Line Jumpers
So you are standing in line at the gas station or the post office and are getting excited at the prospect of being next. What a feeling to be "next!" Then in walks that annoying middle aged yenta, with that fingernails on a chalkboard Long Island accent, who announces "excuse me sonny, you have items and I just need to pay for this gas quick," or "I'm sorry but I just need to give the guy this one little letter here" and she walks right up and claims your rightful place. Suddenly it's not such a good feeling to be "next." Apparently she thinks she is some queen of sorts and you are just a piece of shit? Yeah lady, were standing in line because we are assholes that don't know any better so you go right ahead, It is your world afterall.
The same can be said for those bastards on the highway that race past you in the lane that is closed in 1000 feet and then shove their way back into traffic. Why should they waste their time in the slow lane when they can fly right up to the front and pass these idiots that are too stupid to recognize such a golden opportunity? Again, I am sorry for inconveniencing you on YOUR highway. Please pull in front of me after moving up from a mile back and slow down traffic even more so dickheads just like you lose what little patience they have and pull the same stunt. Good for you!
The same can be said for those bastards on the highway that race past you in the lane that is closed in 1000 feet and then shove their way back into traffic. Why should they waste their time in the slow lane when they can fly right up to the front and pass these idiots that are too stupid to recognize such a golden opportunity? Again, I am sorry for inconveniencing you on YOUR highway. Please pull in front of me after moving up from a mile back and slow down traffic even more so dickheads just like you lose what little patience they have and pull the same stunt. Good for you!
Airport Baggage Claim
There are few things more relieving than getting off of a crowded airplane after a long and uncomfortable flight. Being able to walk and stretch your legs is heavenly and the thought of sleeping in your own bed is actually a glorious prospect. First however we need to battle the assholes one more time on this adventure and go claim our luggage.
Regardless of the amount of signage telling people to stand back, inevitably these dumbasses pack as tightly as humanly possible around the carousel, because afterall this is their world and nothing is as important as their bags. They don't care that their kids are running around annoying others. They don't care that some old lady is trying deperately to get through the crowd as her bag makes it's third pass by their indifferent blockade. It's like getting boxed out in a professional basketball game. Your position must be protected because it apparently makes your suitcase move through the system faster?
I am a big person and this is the perfect scenario and only legal place for me to knock people off-balance on purpose. "Excuse me", "pardon me", and "coming through" are all acceptable warnings before laying a shoulder into the fucking jerk who still is fighting to hold his position from any other asshole that dare stake a claim on his real estate. If they give me shit then I will say as loud as reasonably possible, which is loud enough for all to hear but not loud enough to excite security, "I know you were here first Sir, and this is YOUR spot, but that is my bag right there." Another of my favorites is "If everyone took a step backwards like they are supposed to then you could have the whole god-damned carousel to yourself, Sir! In the meantime however may I please have access to my bag? Thank you!" This is the prefect way to make absolutely everyone completely uncomfortable and take a baby step backwards. This is short-lived however, as within seconds their asshole, hooray for me instincts override their sensibilities and they are once again tucked tightly up against the machinery waiting for what hopefully, God willing, is luggage that never comes.
Regardless of the amount of signage telling people to stand back, inevitably these dumbasses pack as tightly as humanly possible around the carousel, because afterall this is their world and nothing is as important as their bags. They don't care that their kids are running around annoying others. They don't care that some old lady is trying deperately to get through the crowd as her bag makes it's third pass by their indifferent blockade. It's like getting boxed out in a professional basketball game. Your position must be protected because it apparently makes your suitcase move through the system faster?
I am a big person and this is the perfect scenario and only legal place for me to knock people off-balance on purpose. "Excuse me", "pardon me", and "coming through" are all acceptable warnings before laying a shoulder into the fucking jerk who still is fighting to hold his position from any other asshole that dare stake a claim on his real estate. If they give me shit then I will say as loud as reasonably possible, which is loud enough for all to hear but not loud enough to excite security, "I know you were here first Sir, and this is YOUR spot, but that is my bag right there." Another of my favorites is "If everyone took a step backwards like they are supposed to then you could have the whole god-damned carousel to yourself, Sir! In the meantime however may I please have access to my bag? Thank you!" This is the prefect way to make absolutely everyone completely uncomfortable and take a baby step backwards. This is short-lived however, as within seconds their asshole, hooray for me instincts override their sensibilities and they are once again tucked tightly up against the machinery waiting for what hopefully, God willing, is luggage that never comes.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Microsoft's Negligence
My favorite day of the year is nearly upon us. We all experience it at different times but most of us experience it nonetheless. It's not Christmas nor is it New Year's Eve, rather it is the day your anti-virus/anti-spyware software expires. Now when you bought the program it came with "lifetime support" yet unless you pay your yearly fee of $39.99 then suddenly the code simply ceases to function. Without this addition to your PC then all of your private information is at risk of falling into the wrong hands or at the very least your computer will run like shit. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why?
Why is it that a huge monopolistic corporation like Microsoft can charge top dollar for products that put their customers at risk? Can you imagine the lawsuits that would follow if Ford Motor Company ceased supplying brakes on their cars? You couldn't safely operate their product. However Microsoft sells you software that leaves each and every customer vulnerable to attack and theft. How on Earth they are not mandated to provide consumers with basic protection mystifies me? They have no ethical problem with rushing products to market, products that require fixes even larger than the original files themselves, yet refuse to close the gaps that the unscrupulous can exploit with ease. We trust them with our most personal and sensitive information and they dont give a flying fuck. We have to seek out additional protection at our own expense, and many of their customers lack the required knowledge to do this properly if at all. If this isn't negligence on their part then really what is?
This is usually where all of the Apple fans tell you to "buy a Mac." Well if every bit of decent software wasn't written for the PC then maybe that would be an option? Why would I want a "virtual PC" when I have three actual PC's already? I once owned a glorified word processor called a Macintosh so no thanks. I would assume they have improved since those days but hackers are starting to target them as well so being unpopular is not actual adequate protection either.
We attribute computer geeks with the word "genuises" and what they do is quite impressive, but we could also associate the words "sheisters", "scumbags", "criminals", and "fear mongers" into the equation with relative ease. Inputing my credit card number into my computing machine should not evoke fear and introduce worry into my life, just as being involved in a car accident at low speeds shouldn't result in the steering column puncturing my lungs. Being forced to supplement programming that should already be complete amounts to little more than extortion and there seems to be no end in sight to this practice. There is a reason your computer asks you if you trust the source before initiating a download. Can you really ever say yes?
Why is it that a huge monopolistic corporation like Microsoft can charge top dollar for products that put their customers at risk? Can you imagine the lawsuits that would follow if Ford Motor Company ceased supplying brakes on their cars? You couldn't safely operate their product. However Microsoft sells you software that leaves each and every customer vulnerable to attack and theft. How on Earth they are not mandated to provide consumers with basic protection mystifies me? They have no ethical problem with rushing products to market, products that require fixes even larger than the original files themselves, yet refuse to close the gaps that the unscrupulous can exploit with ease. We trust them with our most personal and sensitive information and they dont give a flying fuck. We have to seek out additional protection at our own expense, and many of their customers lack the required knowledge to do this properly if at all. If this isn't negligence on their part then really what is?
This is usually where all of the Apple fans tell you to "buy a Mac." Well if every bit of decent software wasn't written for the PC then maybe that would be an option? Why would I want a "virtual PC" when I have three actual PC's already? I once owned a glorified word processor called a Macintosh so no thanks. I would assume they have improved since those days but hackers are starting to target them as well so being unpopular is not actual adequate protection either.
We attribute computer geeks with the word "genuises" and what they do is quite impressive, but we could also associate the words "sheisters", "scumbags", "criminals", and "fear mongers" into the equation with relative ease. Inputing my credit card number into my computing machine should not evoke fear and introduce worry into my life, just as being involved in a car accident at low speeds shouldn't result in the steering column puncturing my lungs. Being forced to supplement programming that should already be complete amounts to little more than extortion and there seems to be no end in sight to this practice. There is a reason your computer asks you if you trust the source before initiating a download. Can you really ever say yes?
Birthday Flowers
Is there anything that says "sorry we forgot your birthday" more than receiving flowers from your co-workers a half an hour before quitting time? I didn't think so. That is what my wife gets for being the one to orchestrate the birthday presents at her workplace. Now I am not so damn cynical that I cannot appreciate the effort, but it is my wife who makes gift baskets filled with handpicked personal items for the ladies for all work birthdays. Now she isn't the most lovable person, and if she had the time to waste on shit like this blog then it would closely resemble this one minus the awesomeness and pure genius, but thoughtless she is not. I would actually be upset if she didn't truly delight in the mad scrammble to accomodate the recognition of her special day, but make the point I must. She works in a backstabbing, dog eat dog environment that poses as an elementary school and if those around her cannot even fake compassion for one another for a single day out of the year then they can all suck it!
AT&T Customer Service
I think I have a new candidate for most useless website. It is so useless in fact that I was forced to use the telephone to deal with a phone company. Go figure? I would have been better off lecturing second graders on thermodynamics than trying to get anywhere with these people. Who doesn't love being on the phone for over an hour, explaining your dilemma to every Tom that Dick tranfers you over to since Harry cannot be bothered with helping you. I mean, it's only his job, right? Then just as you think you are making progress the line goes dead and you hear nothing but dial tone. Grrrrrrrrrr!
You see, my cell phone was stolen out of my vehicle because for once in my life I gave the benefit of the doubt to some Tony Hawk wanna-be skateboarding riff-raff who proceeded to violate my trust and rob me. If those punks don't think I will get them back then they are sadly mistaken, but I digress.... My next move is to report my phone stolen, thereby rendering my online account unusable because I may not be me, even though I am indeed me and can answer every foolish security question imaginable. My first phone call was to remedy this lockout situation, which a better use of my time would have been standing on a soapbox and reciting to my cats from the greatest hits of T.S.Eliot. The follow-up phone calls were equally a colossal waste of time. How hard is it for a live customer service representative to provide for me the same offer their own company is making online to customers just like myself? Apparently pretty goddamned hard?
So I make the decision to go to the actual AT&T store in the hopes of talking to a representative a bit more responsive than a loaf of bread. Fortunately for me I manage to proceed with little fanfare and buy a new phone (which online was friggin' free, but beggars can't be choosers at this point.) I walk out of the store with all kinds of shit I don't need because it seemed like such a good deal at the time. After a few weeks I get my first new bill and thankfully there was a ceiling above me to keep me out of Earth orbit. I am signed up for every damn thing that I refused at the point of sale. I've got massive text messaging capacity, deluxe internet access, insurance more expensive than the phone, a plan twice as expensive as the one I thought I was renewing, not to mention that they never told me the phone I bought was buy one get one free and my wife could have had a new phone as well. I felt so sorry for the poor sap that was about to have the misfortune of seeing me coming through the store front door with no regard for others' perception of my public persona.
The thing about cell phone stores is that they are very unlike most other businesses. If you complain a little then your bill will go down a little. If you complain a lot then your bill will go down a lot. If you outright bitch at the top of your lungs then they give you phones, huge rate plan discounts, free accessories, ringtones and pretty much anything that will shut you up and get your ass out of their store before you expose their operation for the ruse that it is. I love it when a plan comes together...lol. So now I have two new LG Shine phones that get barely one bar in my house, and have batteries that need charging once like every two days. At least I didn't pay an arm and a leg for them though. Well actually I did but I sent in a mail-in rebate so I'll be getting the leg back in six to eight weeks.
You see, my cell phone was stolen out of my vehicle because for once in my life I gave the benefit of the doubt to some Tony Hawk wanna-be skateboarding riff-raff who proceeded to violate my trust and rob me. If those punks don't think I will get them back then they are sadly mistaken, but I digress.... My next move is to report my phone stolen, thereby rendering my online account unusable because I may not be me, even though I am indeed me and can answer every foolish security question imaginable. My first phone call was to remedy this lockout situation, which a better use of my time would have been standing on a soapbox and reciting to my cats from the greatest hits of T.S.Eliot. The follow-up phone calls were equally a colossal waste of time. How hard is it for a live customer service representative to provide for me the same offer their own company is making online to customers just like myself? Apparently pretty goddamned hard?
So I make the decision to go to the actual AT&T store in the hopes of talking to a representative a bit more responsive than a loaf of bread. Fortunately for me I manage to proceed with little fanfare and buy a new phone (which online was friggin' free, but beggars can't be choosers at this point.) I walk out of the store with all kinds of shit I don't need because it seemed like such a good deal at the time. After a few weeks I get my first new bill and thankfully there was a ceiling above me to keep me out of Earth orbit. I am signed up for every damn thing that I refused at the point of sale. I've got massive text messaging capacity, deluxe internet access, insurance more expensive than the phone, a plan twice as expensive as the one I thought I was renewing, not to mention that they never told me the phone I bought was buy one get one free and my wife could have had a new phone as well. I felt so sorry for the poor sap that was about to have the misfortune of seeing me coming through the store front door with no regard for others' perception of my public persona.
The thing about cell phone stores is that they are very unlike most other businesses. If you complain a little then your bill will go down a little. If you complain a lot then your bill will go down a lot. If you outright bitch at the top of your lungs then they give you phones, huge rate plan discounts, free accessories, ringtones and pretty much anything that will shut you up and get your ass out of their store before you expose their operation for the ruse that it is. I love it when a plan comes together...lol. So now I have two new LG Shine phones that get barely one bar in my house, and have batteries that need charging once like every two days. At least I didn't pay an arm and a leg for them though. Well actually I did but I sent in a mail-in rebate so I'll be getting the leg back in six to eight weeks.
Idiot Drivers
I live on a busy street but I have my garage and driveway on a dead-end side street. I must get at least ten cars a day that mistakenly turn down this street or do so on purpose to turn around. The problem is that they all use my driveway to do so. It's bad enough that my concrete sees the additional wear and tear from heavy vehicles and those leaking fluids, but last year a car even slipped on ice and crashed into my parked truck, and then fled the scene. So now I can't even park my own cars outside of the garage without fear of them being damaged. I often see drivers so impatient with driving the 100 yards to my driveway thay they will literally just turn left and swing around through my yard. Can you imagine someone so inconsiderate that they would drive on your grass to save themselves a few seconds of their precious time? Thse people are called super-mega-douchebag-assholes, not to be confused with your everyday, ordinary, run-of-the-mill inconsiderate assholes.
To make matters worse, just down the street on the right is a city street that returns you to the main drag but this street is unmarked and without local knowledge you wouldn't know to use it for said purpose. The city will not put up the proper signage to make drivers aware of this situation, but they will put every other damn pointless sign in my yard without hesitation. The street is actually a parking lot for a local church, but the city plows it for them and when I asked them why they claimed it was a city street. Oh sure it is. In that case then put up some fucking signs! I don't know if I need to sue them or what but I am fast losing patience with those who would shit on another's property for their own convenience. ^Again, see categorization above.^
I am thinking about installing some of those tire spikes you see at parking garages. That would be fun. Hey, there goes another one using my driveway. It is snowing now and I can see at least three sets of turn around tracks. It is literally non-stop, day and night. I especially like when someone tosses their garbage out their window and onto my lawn. Do I have the right to shoot another human being if they make eye contact with me standing in my own yard and STILL flick their cigarette towards me? If not, I should.
To make matters worse, just down the street on the right is a city street that returns you to the main drag but this street is unmarked and without local knowledge you wouldn't know to use it for said purpose. The city will not put up the proper signage to make drivers aware of this situation, but they will put every other damn pointless sign in my yard without hesitation. The street is actually a parking lot for a local church, but the city plows it for them and when I asked them why they claimed it was a city street. Oh sure it is. In that case then put up some fucking signs! I don't know if I need to sue them or what but I am fast losing patience with those who would shit on another's property for their own convenience. ^Again, see categorization above.^
I am thinking about installing some of those tire spikes you see at parking garages. That would be fun. Hey, there goes another one using my driveway. It is snowing now and I can see at least three sets of turn around tracks. It is literally non-stop, day and night. I especially like when someone tosses their garbage out their window and onto my lawn. Do I have the right to shoot another human being if they make eye contact with me standing in my own yard and STILL flick their cigarette towards me? If not, I should.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Needless Signage
It didn't take me too long to adapt to what was once an easy grass cutting experience turned huge pain in the ass when the city put in my yard a stop sign and no parking signs. Sure I have to get out the weedeater now but I am flexible. What I awoke to this morning though is a whole different ball game. The newest addition to my yard is a sign saying "Drug And Weapons-Free School Zone." What the fuck is this shit? Did the authority having jurisdiction suddenly create a new designation of second-class citizen upon which the Bill of Rights is applied differently, rendering me somehow more responsible for violations of the law?
Now you won't find me sitting on my porch cleaning my shotgun while smoking a joint, but will I be prosectuted differently than my next door neighbor who is located outside of said new designated and regulated "zone," a neighbor who is one thousand times more likely to be found on his porch cleaning his shotgun while smoking a joint? I need to get to the bottom of this garbage. Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that my rights have suddenly been infringed? Can I no longer legally own guns because I can see a school from my window? Can I no longer smoke on my own property? Do I need a note from my doctor's office to make transactions at the local pharmacy? What gives?
Certainly I cannot argue with the motivation behind such an action but legally I think I just had it stuck in my bunghole. At the very least I now have yet another post that will require the use of the pushmower and trimmer in a location an acre from their storage point. This looks like yet another job for my favorite tool, the saws-all. I can't help but to think that the destruction of this sign carries a penalty at least equal to or greater than that which governs the removal of mattress tags?
Now you won't find me sitting on my porch cleaning my shotgun while smoking a joint, but will I be prosectuted differently than my next door neighbor who is located outside of said new designated and regulated "zone," a neighbor who is one thousand times more likely to be found on his porch cleaning his shotgun while smoking a joint? I need to get to the bottom of this garbage. Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that my rights have suddenly been infringed? Can I no longer legally own guns because I can see a school from my window? Can I no longer smoke on my own property? Do I need a note from my doctor's office to make transactions at the local pharmacy? What gives?
Certainly I cannot argue with the motivation behind such an action but legally I think I just had it stuck in my bunghole. At the very least I now have yet another post that will require the use of the pushmower and trimmer in a location an acre from their storage point. This looks like yet another job for my favorite tool, the saws-all. I can't help but to think that the destruction of this sign carries a penalty at least equal to or greater than that which governs the removal of mattress tags?
Why Bill Frist Blows
The reasons are simply too numerous to mention, but I'll start with what I call my "favorite 3."
1) This heartless bastard would adopt pets so as to provide himself the research subjects needed to "succeed in the highly competitive atmosphere of medical school," and then proceed to cut out their hearts to do his precious research. In his own words he said he went "a little crazy" and that his actions were "a heinous and dishonest thing to do." Do you really think so, Bill?
2) This mind control zealot insists upon requiring unprovable and faith-based doctrine in the classroom, forcing school children of all persuations to learn his beliefs of Intelligent Design as scientific fact. Apparently legislating scientific theory lends credence to the proof of hypotheses?
3) Once again in an act to save us from ourselves, and to cater to the gaming industry, good old Billy boy came after internet poker with both guns-a-blazing. Apparently free Americans are not capable of choosing how and where to spend their hard-earned post-tax dollars so he helped shove an anti-freedom online gaming enforcement act into a port security bill at the last minute during the eleventh hour of the 106th Congress. Now who doesn't want port security, right? Of course horse racing was exempt because that industry is an excellent source of campaign revenue. Now poker players are forced to utilize underground sources of finance to enjoy the game they love, which is undoubtably aiding in the funding of terrorism. Ain't that a peach?
1) This heartless bastard would adopt pets so as to provide himself the research subjects needed to "succeed in the highly competitive atmosphere of medical school," and then proceed to cut out their hearts to do his precious research. In his own words he said he went "a little crazy" and that his actions were "a heinous and dishonest thing to do." Do you really think so, Bill?
2) This mind control zealot insists upon requiring unprovable and faith-based doctrine in the classroom, forcing school children of all persuations to learn his beliefs of Intelligent Design as scientific fact. Apparently legislating scientific theory lends credence to the proof of hypotheses?
3) Once again in an act to save us from ourselves, and to cater to the gaming industry, good old Billy boy came after internet poker with both guns-a-blazing. Apparently free Americans are not capable of choosing how and where to spend their hard-earned post-tax dollars so he helped shove an anti-freedom online gaming enforcement act into a port security bill at the last minute during the eleventh hour of the 106th Congress. Now who doesn't want port security, right? Of course horse racing was exempt because that industry is an excellent source of campaign revenue. Now poker players are forced to utilize underground sources of finance to enjoy the game they love, which is undoubtably aiding in the funding of terrorism. Ain't that a peach?
Real Men Don't Cry
Unless you beat them severely about the head and neck, run over their dog, or force them to watch a Hallmark movie after only three hours of sleep and several gin and tonics.
You Might Be An Asshole If...
...You demand from your spouse that the toilet paper in your bathroom should always fall off of the front/back of the roll.
There should Be A Law Against...
Babies in movie theaters, tight jeans, being given short notice, the Paparazzi, professional wrestling, close-talkers, toll booths, the 7-10 split, vending machines rejecting your dollar, East Vs. West rap wars, monkey movies, baking chocolate, rubberneckers, fat guys in Speedos, speedwalkers, election issues where a "no" vote means "yes", car alarms, psychic hotlines, fuzzy toilet seat covers, highway "No U-Turn" signs, New Kids On The Block, Eggnog, Bob Saget, cable going out, fillibusters, humidity, expired coupons, the chicken vs. egg argument, Ticketmaster, mind games, one-way streets, second hand smoke, slow golfers, lying about Santa Claus, radio commercials, toupees, Michael Bolton, deadlines, homework, Fabio, Rush Limbaugh, morning people, lines at the DMV, weak condoms, televangelists, colorized classic movies, internet plagiarism and blogs that suck.
Things That Piss Me Off
Why when I bring my brand new car into the shop for an oil change is my seat moved? Why are the mirrors all adjusted away from my settings? Why is my radio tuned to an AM sportstalk station? Why does the car smell like french fries? Why are there seventeen more miles on the car than when I dropped it off? Why does the shop receptionist cop an attitude when I call her a bitch?
Wal-Mart (Mr.Meany2U)
Facts and numbers do not lie. Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day in Wal-Mart. This works out to over $20,000 of profit for the company every minute. They employ 1.6 million people, making them the largest private employer, and the majority of these employees cannot speak English. They sell more food than any other store in the world, selling more than Kroger and Safeway combined, and achieved this feat in under fifteen years. Thirty one supermarket chains have filed for bankruptcy during this same period. Of the 3,900 stores in the USA, 1,906 are supercenters. This is 1,000 more than they had five years ago. There are more purchase transactions in a year through Wal-Mart than there are people on Earth. The net result of this business activity has been the creation of the richest board of directors in the history of mankind. If the Wal-Mart Board of Directors cut their salary by only 1% then all of their employees could be provided with full healthcare coverage. This company ranks #1 in employees without company funded healthcare and accounts for more workers receiving government-funded healthcare than any other company. These are trends that are also getting worse, or better, depending on whether your last name is Walton or not.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Fantasy Football Asshole
I played my first season of fantasy football this year. My cousin basically begged me to join their league so they would have enough teams in order for her nine year old son to participate in a friendly contest. For that reason alone I agreed. I'm not a big fan of playing silly games with former high school jocks reliving their glory days vicariously through the internet, but I'll do pretty much anything for the kids. Of course my OCD kicked in at full throttle and I was prepared to dominate at this endeavor, pretty much like I dominate in everything I do. Suddenly I gave two shits about receiving yards and defense percentages. Those super fucking annoying personal player statistics that scroll across the TV screen during games now didn't piss me off as much. By the end of the season I had amassed the largest number of points of anyone in the league. What struck me as odd however was that I had only won four head to head matchups. WTF is an understatement, but that is neither here nor there.
I found myself in the last week of the season matched up against my aforementioned nine year old cousin. He found himself on the outside looking in as far as the league playoffs were concerned. He desperately needed a win against me and needed the player ahead of him in the standings to lose. If this occured then he was in the post season and would have been delighted. Naturally I kept the smack talk going and informed him he was going down. At one point I made an off the cuff remark that if he sent me a dollar then I would throw the game in his favor. Well wouldn't you know it that the poor kid sent me probably his only money in the mail? Being a big softie I released a few players to make room on my bench to sit my best players to ensure him the win, which he did get, even if that meant sacrificing my points lead and my only bragging rights. Doin' it for the kids, man. Doin' it for the kids.
Now I am not just patting myself on the back here. There is more to the story. Remember I mentioned that the player in front of my young cousin needed to lose? Well that player is, and are you ready for this, that player is my young cousin's father. This is the asshole who has had so many courts rule against him is his custody battle for his son that he is appealing to the state supreme court and is literally preparing a case for the United States Supreme Court if need be. This competitive prick is so engrossed with his own personal satisfaction that some insignificant virtual trophy in fantasy football means more to him than the happiness his son would feel being successful at a silly game. This selfish fuck was actually making roster moves and most likely spent hours preparing the best possible team he could field. Incidentally assface won his matchup by forty points and ended his son's season. What kind of steaming pile of dogshit spends his son's college tuition money on lawyers for frivolous supreme court cases in his son's name and then creates the most damning evidence to date that his son's well being is secondary to something as trivial and worthless as fucking fanatasy football? You see, his ex-wife and in-laws are also playing so it is much more than a game to him. So what if his son becomes a casualty of war? All is fair, right? This is certainly a textbook case of winning at all costs and fuckstick is just too stupid to do the accounting.
I found myself in the last week of the season matched up against my aforementioned nine year old cousin. He found himself on the outside looking in as far as the league playoffs were concerned. He desperately needed a win against me and needed the player ahead of him in the standings to lose. If this occured then he was in the post season and would have been delighted. Naturally I kept the smack talk going and informed him he was going down. At one point I made an off the cuff remark that if he sent me a dollar then I would throw the game in his favor. Well wouldn't you know it that the poor kid sent me probably his only money in the mail? Being a big softie I released a few players to make room on my bench to sit my best players to ensure him the win, which he did get, even if that meant sacrificing my points lead and my only bragging rights. Doin' it for the kids, man. Doin' it for the kids.
Now I am not just patting myself on the back here. There is more to the story. Remember I mentioned that the player in front of my young cousin needed to lose? Well that player is, and are you ready for this, that player is my young cousin's father. This is the asshole who has had so many courts rule against him is his custody battle for his son that he is appealing to the state supreme court and is literally preparing a case for the United States Supreme Court if need be. This competitive prick is so engrossed with his own personal satisfaction that some insignificant virtual trophy in fantasy football means more to him than the happiness his son would feel being successful at a silly game. This selfish fuck was actually making roster moves and most likely spent hours preparing the best possible team he could field. Incidentally assface won his matchup by forty points and ended his son's season. What kind of steaming pile of dogshit spends his son's college tuition money on lawyers for frivolous supreme court cases in his son's name and then creates the most damning evidence to date that his son's well being is secondary to something as trivial and worthless as fucking fanatasy football? You see, his ex-wife and in-laws are also playing so it is much more than a game to him. So what if his son becomes a casualty of war? All is fair, right? This is certainly a textbook case of winning at all costs and fuckstick is just too stupid to do the accounting.
Loud Car Stereos
You know the kind I am talking about, the ones you can hear coming from a mile away? The ironic part is that those mega-low bass frequencies that are being used to announce the approach of a super douche bag are actually too long of a sound wave for said douche bag to even hear, given his proximity to the source. Naturally we turn to look, since our primitive brains are hardwired to react to stimuli that could be possible danger, and what do we see? Normally it is some half rusted bottom shelf Mazda plastered with those cheap plastic aftermarket fake chrome trim pieces, sadly attached with double-sided tape to anywhere they will stick. Nice ride tough guy. Is that four-banger at least the 2.0 liter version? I am guessing you scrapped a perfectly good automatic transmission and replaced it with some cheap two gear shift kit, for performance reasons of course? A lot of good that does with a three inch clearance from the road. I bet those rims mom got you for Christmas cost more than your entire car?
Look, I was young once and I know the importance of having a cool car for cruising around in the high school circles. I don't hold that against you. What does piss me off however is your incessant need to drive through quiet residential neighborhoods at all hours of the night with your amplifiers overheating as they pump out needless bottom end. Some people have to actually get up before the sun comes up and go to work so your mom can get paid on the first of the month. Do us all a favor and flatten the left side of that equalizer so I can save the last of my 12 gauge rocksalt shells, not that your paint job couldn't use the touch up.
Look, I was young once and I know the importance of having a cool car for cruising around in the high school circles. I don't hold that against you. What does piss me off however is your incessant need to drive through quiet residential neighborhoods at all hours of the night with your amplifiers overheating as they pump out needless bottom end. Some people have to actually get up before the sun comes up and go to work so your mom can get paid on the first of the month. Do us all a favor and flatten the left side of that equalizer so I can save the last of my 12 gauge rocksalt shells, not that your paint job couldn't use the touch up.
Why You Too Should Hate The French
It all started for me back during my college years. I was doing everything within my power to hose this French chick, which included ignoring my sense of smell and trying to avoid eye contact with the hamsters living under her arms. Inevitably the discussion turned to politics and suddenly I was sternly asked to leave and to never come back. As this girl was a representative of the French people in my eyes, I had concluded that not only were they intolerant of criticism, but extremely rude to boot. Is it any wonder why they strike and cripple their own economy every time someone gets asked to sweep a floor? I tried to have an open mind. I didn't even say a word when she showed me her generic and unlicensed "American Football" sweatshirt that made her look like a geek of unimaginable proportions. Yet I found myself out on the street because she couldn't accept the truth about her people being fucking raging pussies during WWII. Go figure? How many U.S. servicemen had to die so that big touchhole DeGaulle could march in first an take all of the credit?
So we find ourselves in the modern era and the French are still doing the same old shit. They refuse to rock the boat and stand up against ruthless dictators if that means such an ethical stance will disrupt their profits being extracted from doing business with rogue nations. They pick and choose when they will allow their allies to once again defend their pissing in the street, fag-smoking asses like we always do. Then they shove shit like their wine down our throats while simultaneously turning up their collective nose at superior foreign products. And the soccer. Don't forget the soccer.
They tried to throw Greg Lemond under the bus when he continued to win their little bicycle race year after year. They pulled the same bullshit with Lance Armstrong, who would have continued to dominate had he not told the French to fuck off. If your guy can't win, ever, then somebody must be cheating? Is it just too hard to accept the fact that the Americans are the best at everything? We have learned to live with this truth. Why can't you?
So we find ourselves in the modern era and the French are still doing the same old shit. They refuse to rock the boat and stand up against ruthless dictators if that means such an ethical stance will disrupt their profits being extracted from doing business with rogue nations. They pick and choose when they will allow their allies to once again defend their pissing in the street, fag-smoking asses like we always do. Then they shove shit like their wine down our throats while simultaneously turning up their collective nose at superior foreign products. And the soccer. Don't forget the soccer.
They tried to throw Greg Lemond under the bus when he continued to win their little bicycle race year after year. They pulled the same bullshit with Lance Armstrong, who would have continued to dominate had he not told the French to fuck off. If your guy can't win, ever, then somebody must be cheating? Is it just too hard to accept the fact that the Americans are the best at everything? We have learned to live with this truth. Why can't you?
Open Letter To NASCAR Fan
Dear Sloppy,
We missed you at the track this weekend. I hope you enjoyed plopping your fat ass on your couch, drinking Busch Light by the case, and watching the commercials/race on your massive twenty six inch Chinese television. Giant RV dude even let us watch the F1 race Sunday morning on his satellite TV. Now I know your stance on how only Nascar is "reel racin" so it's your loss, Jethro. Maybe someday you'll actually make it to a live race, of any kind? One can only hope. I was sorry to see what happened to your driver on the start. Granted you hopped aboard the bandwagon only last year when you stole the cardboard cutout likeness of Junior from the beer store, but on the flip-side it was a spectacular accident and is the only reason you watch in the first place so I am sure your disappointment was tempered to a degree. I think I might have met a sportsfan yesterday that is more pathetic than you, if that is possible? We'll call him Dallas Cowboy fan for discussions sake. He has never been to a Cowboys game, never been to Texas, and has never even left his hometown for that matter, but in his defense he at least had the team's pajamas when he was seven. Anyway I am writing to invite you the the Indycar race next week. Nascar has the weekend off but I know that there will be a new episode of Nascar 360 airing. If you can pull yourself away from following the soap opera style programming highlighting the lives of marginal racecar drivers then you are invited to attend. Please ask Aunt Mom and Uncle Dad if you can leave the trailer for a few days and come enjoy an actual real live motorsports event for once. If the price of admission is a problem then feel free to back your pickup truck up to the track and stand in the bed to watch the race over the fence. That is how it seems to be done at the dirt track. We will keep an eye out for you but we won't hold our breath. If you do indeed come, please take a shower and wear clean clothes so you don't make a liar out of me.
Love,
Real Racefan
We missed you at the track this weekend. I hope you enjoyed plopping your fat ass on your couch, drinking Busch Light by the case, and watching the commercials/race on your massive twenty six inch Chinese television. Giant RV dude even let us watch the F1 race Sunday morning on his satellite TV. Now I know your stance on how only Nascar is "reel racin" so it's your loss, Jethro. Maybe someday you'll actually make it to a live race, of any kind? One can only hope. I was sorry to see what happened to your driver on the start. Granted you hopped aboard the bandwagon only last year when you stole the cardboard cutout likeness of Junior from the beer store, but on the flip-side it was a spectacular accident and is the only reason you watch in the first place so I am sure your disappointment was tempered to a degree. I think I might have met a sportsfan yesterday that is more pathetic than you, if that is possible? We'll call him Dallas Cowboy fan for discussions sake. He has never been to a Cowboys game, never been to Texas, and has never even left his hometown for that matter, but in his defense he at least had the team's pajamas when he was seven. Anyway I am writing to invite you the the Indycar race next week. Nascar has the weekend off but I know that there will be a new episode of Nascar 360 airing. If you can pull yourself away from following the soap opera style programming highlighting the lives of marginal racecar drivers then you are invited to attend. Please ask Aunt Mom and Uncle Dad if you can leave the trailer for a few days and come enjoy an actual real live motorsports event for once. If the price of admission is a problem then feel free to back your pickup truck up to the track and stand in the bed to watch the race over the fence. That is how it seems to be done at the dirt track. We will keep an eye out for you but we won't hold our breath. If you do indeed come, please take a shower and wear clean clothes so you don't make a liar out of me.
Love,
Real Racefan
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Stupid Internet I.Q. Tests
You've all seen these obnoxious links on your favorite websites. They are prefaced with some catchy slogan such as "Are you smarter than George Bush" or "One of your friends has challenged you." Okay, I'll bite. Now I spend ten minutes of my life, time that I can never get back, answering your ridiculous and inane questions. Suddenly,...what's this? You require my cell phone number and enough of my personal information to where even the worst of hackers can steal my identity? I would wager that somewhere in the fine print is a promise to sell my email address only to the first 100,000 paying customers. Now you require $9.95 in order for me to receive the results? Fuck off!
I think I just passed the test.
I think I just passed the test.
Why Cats Are Better Than Dogs
I can tear open a bag of cat food, pour a pile of sand on the basement floor, leave the toilet seat up, and when I come home from Vegas they aren't dead.
Netflix
Dear Netflix people,
I know I have told you in the past that I think your business model is ingenious, and other than your failure to offer even the softest of pornography, I have few complaints. I do however take issue with the condition in which I find your product recently. Some of these discs are so damaged that I can barely rip the movie files to my hard drive. Now I know the movie industry frowns upon such activity but there is no good reason why each disc should look like the U.S. Hockey Team used the underside for an afternoon skate. The law may be on your side but someday Hollywood will be content in the fact that my measley rental fee is all I will ever spend on their shitty movies, and that I will not squander said rental fees by letting a disc sit on my TV stand until I am good and goddamned ready to watch the outtakes of Wedding Crashers. I also have a huge fucking issue with spending thirty bucks on a licensed copy of a bad movie and am restricted by law to make a back-up copy so as to keep my original in the case and in mint condition in perpetuity. How much money does Tom Cruise fucking need anyway when he can't even do the simplest of accents? People who were born in London do not talk like they are from Syracuse. I am pretty sure this is true and am willing to suspend my disbelief only so far. So pretty please, with sugar on top, buy some new fucking discs.
Thank you for your time and attention,
AoE
I know I have told you in the past that I think your business model is ingenious, and other than your failure to offer even the softest of pornography, I have few complaints. I do however take issue with the condition in which I find your product recently. Some of these discs are so damaged that I can barely rip the movie files to my hard drive. Now I know the movie industry frowns upon such activity but there is no good reason why each disc should look like the U.S. Hockey Team used the underside for an afternoon skate. The law may be on your side but someday Hollywood will be content in the fact that my measley rental fee is all I will ever spend on their shitty movies, and that I will not squander said rental fees by letting a disc sit on my TV stand until I am good and goddamned ready to watch the outtakes of Wedding Crashers. I also have a huge fucking issue with spending thirty bucks on a licensed copy of a bad movie and am restricted by law to make a back-up copy so as to keep my original in the case and in mint condition in perpetuity. How much money does Tom Cruise fucking need anyway when he can't even do the simplest of accents? People who were born in London do not talk like they are from Syracuse. I am pretty sure this is true and am willing to suspend my disbelief only so far. So pretty please, with sugar on top, buy some new fucking discs.
Thank you for your time and attention,
AoE
Scamming Repairmen
The damn nerve of these assholes who look at you with a straight face while knowingly rip you off of your hard-earned money! How do you charge me $600 for a job that took you three hours to do? I needed my heat fixed and you charge me what should constitute half a week's pay, and you still have time for two more jobs today. "I get paid for what I do, not for what I did" is a shitty answer, assface. I could have fixed it myself but I picked you, a specialist, to throw some work your way while I go out an do my specialty for others. That way I win, you win, and those I help win. I am a working man. I work by the hour. If I work for three hours then I charge for three hours. I don't care if the "value" of the work is ten times as much, as those I work for are in the same boat as me. I could charge exorbitant prices and take food out of some old lady's mouth but I am not a thieving prick like you, Mr. Get the fuck out of my house.
MySpace
There is no shittier site than MySpace. My oldest friend is Tom and he is a putz. Why is he looking over his shoulder like he is waiting to be mounted? I ask him that often but he is no longer returning my emails. What kind of a friend feels that he is too good for me? If a friend cannot tell you the truth then are they really a friend? You've got crap in your teeth and it makes you look like a dope. I am a great friend. Love me, you fucker! I know I am because my friends constantly send me offers for Gucci handbags and Macy's discount cards. Why would they do this if they didn't think I was awesome? Sure I used to accept friend invites just so I could delete them once accepted, but no more. Now I at least let them develop a repoir before X-ing them out. It is the decent thing to do.
In-Laws
In-Laws suck and they are only cool when they buy you things. There is nothing more to say on this topic.
Forum Captains
Are you the type who enjoys posting on internet forums? Do you ever wonder why everyone constantly gives you shit for the content of your posts? Well fret not my friends because there is a simple explanation as to why this is and it is as plain as the nose on your face. I have discovered that anyone who disagrees with me sucks ass. They spend their days formulating witty comebacks and refuse to accept my brilliance as fact and in the literary world this is called a major character flaw. Nobody cares about their interpretation of how any given forum should be managed and what is construed as "proper behavior." You are only running your mouth anonymously with bad porn cued in your media player, paused until you can submit your latest pathetic attempt at trying to top the untopable, because you are a loser that has yet to encounter my wrath. For every PM you send me explaining my perceived deficiencies I get ten more informing me that my biggest critics are fags with no lives. People love me, you see, because I call a spade a spade, or in your case calling a douchebag a complete and utter moron. You need to face the fact that I am the authority on all things pertinent and no amount of your sniveling will ever change that. Nobody cares about your opinion because I have already provided all that is needed to be known on whatever subject is at hand. Forum captains cannot bear to face reality so every other post they submit starts with the word why. Why do you always say that? Why do you not listen to me? Why are you so awesome? Why don't you fuck off and die? Ah ha! It's about time you said something relevent.
Beware Of Bidz.com
Online auction sites are a great place to find great deals on closeout items, overstocked items, and general merchandise, but one needs to be wary of the pitfalls of utilizing such outlets. A site I regularly watch and occasionally buy from is Bidz.com. You have to be extremely careful that you are not bidding on junk or cheap Chinese knockoff items. If your watch has a hand-written sticker on it saying [Made Swiss] then it is safe to assume it is probably not and you've just had it shoved up your ass. Be sure to do your research so you don't get caught up in the last minute macho bidding war frenzy and pay way too much. Auction sites are filled with retards who know the value of nothing. You also need to be wary of the overpriced shipping charges and the massive 15% re-stocking fee for returned merchandise. I have purchased a few really nice watches and jewelry from this site but have also been saddled with some garbage. Pay little attention to their estimated retail figures, as they are grossly overinflated and items with these designations tend to attract more bidders. At the moment they are offering free shipping on the purchase of five items so take advanatge of this, but becareful not to just buy something to fulfill the merchandise requirement, because that is just stupid. Know what you want ahead of time. I also like to do my bidding at "off" hours, when many people are at work or are asleep. Stay up all night and skip work. It is the only way. You also can take advantage of their offers when you are outbid. They offer the same item to you at the bid that beat you if you have actually clicked into the actual auction page for that item. I like to bid low, allow others to outbid me, and then wait to see if they make an offer, therefore keeping the price lower. If they don't make an offer then fuck them. It is easy to get addicted to these type of sites so do plenty of looking and little actual buying until you have narrowed down what really interests you. I am enjoying wearing my "expensive" watches to poker games that I bought for thirty bucks. I am breaking out a new one to go out to dinner tonight so we'll see if it gets any compliments? If it doesn't then I know my acquiantances have no class.
Now for something completely different, tody I joined my alma mater's alumni reunion planning committee and attended my first meeting. It was actually a pleasant experience and I was suprised at how many of the ladies in attendance I actually "knew." Hehe. More on that another time. I basically was only looking for support from the university on acquiring contact information for planning summer get together events for those I knew in school but it appears they really need the help, and this will certainly look good on a resume. Self-serving interests are perfectly legitimate reasons to volunteer one's time. Also if I ever plan to run for public office I will need something substantial to counteract the numerous skeletons in my preverbial closet.
Now for something completely different, tody I joined my alma mater's alumni reunion planning committee and attended my first meeting. It was actually a pleasant experience and I was suprised at how many of the ladies in attendance I actually "knew." Hehe. More on that another time. I basically was only looking for support from the university on acquiring contact information for planning summer get together events for those I knew in school but it appears they really need the help, and this will certainly look good on a resume. Self-serving interests are perfectly legitimate reasons to volunteer one's time. Also if I ever plan to run for public office I will need something substantial to counteract the numerous skeletons in my preverbial closet.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Hellish Hand History
(^^Triple H Score^^) It sure does suck to be a chip leader for hours in a poker tournament and then have constant internet connectivity problems in a game that doesn't protect your hand while disconnected. Everytime the damn servers would respond I was down another few thousand chips. I find very little more frustrating. Suddenly I woke up with pocket fives and doubled up, which was nice. Then when I was reconnected the next time I was holding pocket kings. I prayed that the server would hold long enough to get all of my chips into the middle, which did happen, but the poker gods had other plans for me. I tried to post the hand history here (Yet another triple H score) but it was compacted and unreadable when pasted. All you really need to know is that instead of regaining my massive chip stack, my opponent holding AK, spiked his ace on the river (thanks Barry Greenstein). Sure I won $60 but it is still sickening to play so well for so long and have technical problems force your hand(s). Now it is 2 am and is much too late for me to enter more games so I guess I'll take the loss for the evening and try again tomorrow. Did I forget to mention my $300+ worth of buy-ins and my banking on a good finish in this particular game to cover? No? Degenerate gamblers never do.
Poker With The Pros
I was in a tournament last night with the likes of Allen Cunningham, Andy Bloch, Eric Lindgren, Cindy Violette and basically a who's who of the Full Tilt crew. It sounds impressive but was simply a low budget charity event, which raised nearly five grand for lymphoma research so that was very cool. I didn't last very long at all and never did sit with any pros, but I can claim that I lasted longer than Mike Matusow, as if that is an accomplishment. I thought shoving 1400 chips into a 240 chip pot with pocket nines was a somewhat standard play to take it down, But Ad 9d had other ideas. The flop brought an ace and that was all she wrote for ole Fake McCoy.
The birthday girl just called and said she's on her way home. She didn't seem too happy that I left her a car with no gas and she was filling it up, however if she knew how to use the elctronic features she would see she had a good thirty miles of cruising left. Oh well. I have to open the garage for her so she needn't walk through the mud. Of course I have yet to program the garage door opener code in that car yet. Fuck, am I a procrastinator.
The birthday girl just called and said she's on her way home. She didn't seem too happy that I left her a car with no gas and she was filling it up, however if she knew how to use the elctronic features she would see she had a good thirty miles of cruising left. Oh well. I have to open the garage for her so she needn't walk through the mud. Of course I have yet to program the garage door opener code in that car yet. Fuck, am I a procrastinator.
Shady Salesmen
I awoke at 6:30 am, wished the wife a happy birthday with a kiss and a card and some precious jewels, and took the Rally Orange in for it's first oil change. Now as sure as I am writing this we were told when we bought the car that the first oil change was free. Therefore I paid $26 for it this morning. Grrrr! Then it was off to breakfast at one of the last remaining "greasy spoon" diners around. Nothing beats the character of an old breakfast joint, with the endless coffee, the foul-mouthed waitresses, the peeling wall paper, the old-timers sharing stories of yesterday and the delicious artery-clogging grub. Six bucks gets you stuffed and stoned on caffeine. Amen.
Then it's off to the car detailer for the wife's new remote car starter. Now I won't go so far to call this guy an asshole, but Mr. Personality he is not. Now I know his competitor will install the same device for $160 but they are booked solid. So first this guy tells me my keyless entry won't work when the car is running so I need to buy a new one. When I question this fact he tells me I am wrong and basically challenges me to go out and try to start the car and I would see the key-based lock/unlock system wouldn't work. I don't think he actually thought I would go investigate. Well lo and behold he was wrong/lying. He tries to act suprised but you can bullshit a bullshitter. (Do I get points for that one?) Then he tells me I need a transponder since the car won't start without it. This brings the price up to $249. I question such a markup and he snidely invites me to use his phone to find a cheaper price elsewhere. I so don't like his attitude so I respond "Just install it already, and it better work without a hitch." I have a strange feeling that the keyless entry won't funtion properly once they get done with it but that's just my cynical side enjoying the worst case scenario. It does that on occasion. You can just envision my delight when I am told the vehicle will be ready is about five hours. Yippee! Now this place is in the middle of nowhere so what to do? "Mom is home" I think to myself so I give her a jingle and she says she'll gladly pick me up, Of course I gave her the option of talking to me for five hours so she chose wisely. Naturally my father is the one to show up, looking most displeased that he was the one "selected" to venture out in the cold rain. Ahh, good ole Dad. Now here I am waiting for the phone call undoubtably explaining the problems they had with the car and it will now cost even more. Cynics, unite!
Then it's off to the car detailer for the wife's new remote car starter. Now I won't go so far to call this guy an asshole, but Mr. Personality he is not. Now I know his competitor will install the same device for $160 but they are booked solid. So first this guy tells me my keyless entry won't work when the car is running so I need to buy a new one. When I question this fact he tells me I am wrong and basically challenges me to go out and try to start the car and I would see the key-based lock/unlock system wouldn't work. I don't think he actually thought I would go investigate. Well lo and behold he was wrong/lying. He tries to act suprised but you can bullshit a bullshitter. (Do I get points for that one?) Then he tells me I need a transponder since the car won't start without it. This brings the price up to $249. I question such a markup and he snidely invites me to use his phone to find a cheaper price elsewhere. I so don't like his attitude so I respond "Just install it already, and it better work without a hitch." I have a strange feeling that the keyless entry won't funtion properly once they get done with it but that's just my cynical side enjoying the worst case scenario. It does that on occasion. You can just envision my delight when I am told the vehicle will be ready is about five hours. Yippee! Now this place is in the middle of nowhere so what to do? "Mom is home" I think to myself so I give her a jingle and she says she'll gladly pick me up, Of course I gave her the option of talking to me for five hours so she chose wisely. Naturally my father is the one to show up, looking most displeased that he was the one "selected" to venture out in the cold rain. Ahh, good ole Dad. Now here I am waiting for the phone call undoubtably explaining the problems they had with the car and it will now cost even more. Cynics, unite!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Chili Gut Extraordinaire
You can tell by the above title that the chili was indeed excellent, topped with shredded cheese, sour cream and a corn muffin or two. For dessert the wife had popcorn and I had Tums. Somehow I have to get to sleep tonight about four hours earlier than usual so as to make a 7 am appointment. When I am working I am up at 5:30 but with work being slow I tend to play poker online until three or four in the morning. It's a living, right? I talked the wife into getting an oil change on her new car with only about 1400 miles on it so I can also get a new remote starter put in it for her birthday. She hates winter and especially hates a cold car with ice on the windows. Of course they tell me to bring it in first thing in the morning. Well at least that gives me time get the starter installed. We are big Syracuse University fans and so we bought a 2008 bright orange Ford Edge, and she assures me it's not because Derek Jeter is in the commercials. We call it the Rally Orange and take it to evey home game at the Carrier Dome, and even have a sign hanging over it's garage stall. Silly? Yes. Lucky? Most definitely. (Well as long as she thinks so. As a poker player I know there is no such thing as luck, just probabilities, odds, and random card distribution.) The Orange are undefeated at 8-0 at the time of this post so here's to hoping I didn't just hex them. Yes luck doesn't exist but hexes are real, man. For awhile it looked like Cornell might pop their cherry but our bench is too deep and our talent is exceptional. Tournament bound hex, be gone!
I think I am becoming addicted to Todd Caputo's commercials. You may know him as The Used Car King. He is always on television and the set is just so far across the room. Since a sleeping cat is guarding the remote I don't dare startle him. I miss the little Caputo kid in the commercials though. He was hilarious. Okay I am not the least bit sleepy and I am down to a possible seven hours of sleep. At 3 am I will be doing the same math so tomorrow it looks like it will be zombie Thursday. Now my other cat is circling my feet and demanding some rubs with the most annoying of yelps. A full five minute scratch is soon forgotten at the turn of the hour. So let's call the job referral line to see if I will be working soon.... There are currently no manpower requests at this time. Thank you. Well Merry freakin' Christmas to you too union hall! Therefore I need to be playing in about three or four poker tournaments at once, but knowing my luck I will win one and be up until I need to be up. (Double phrase score! Sweet!) I think there is an old M*A*S*H rerun on soon so I think I'll wrap this post up. Fret not however, as you won't even notice the time lapse once my next post is posted to where posters post posted posts. (Mega-word score, minus redundancy error penalty.)
I think I am becoming addicted to Todd Caputo's commercials. You may know him as The Used Car King. He is always on television and the set is just so far across the room. Since a sleeping cat is guarding the remote I don't dare startle him. I miss the little Caputo kid in the commercials though. He was hilarious. Okay I am not the least bit sleepy and I am down to a possible seven hours of sleep. At 3 am I will be doing the same math so tomorrow it looks like it will be zombie Thursday. Now my other cat is circling my feet and demanding some rubs with the most annoying of yelps. A full five minute scratch is soon forgotten at the turn of the hour. So let's call the job referral line to see if I will be working soon.... There are currently no manpower requests at this time. Thank you. Well Merry freakin' Christmas to you too union hall! Therefore I need to be playing in about three or four poker tournaments at once, but knowing my luck I will win one and be up until I need to be up. (Double phrase score! Sweet!) I think there is an old M*A*S*H rerun on soon so I think I'll wrap this post up. Fret not however, as you won't even notice the time lapse once my next post is posted to where posters post posted posts. (Mega-word score, minus redundancy error penalty.)
Are You Still Here?
It's a new day, I have a pot of chili simmering, and I am preparing for my wife Holly's birthday tomorrow. Now I am sure I don't have to explain to you guys out there the meaning of birthday "week," but in my case I have birthday "month." I can't explain it so trust me on this one. I also am fortunate enough to have Christmas and my anniversary all before the new year. Weee!
I have added an audio clip to my profile for your listening enjoyment. I was hoping it would play while the main page was being viewed but apparently I still have a lot to learn here? The song is from my last band that did any recording, called Inspector Fuzz. This track, and a few others, actually got some airtime on local radio station 95X. Well, they were played on a program called Soundcheck, which is a showcase for local talent but it sounds impressive enough nonetheless. The song is called "Whose Is It" and is the only song from our album that I wrote alone, sans guitar lead and tasty drum fills. Yes that is me singing so try to make it through the entire song...lol. Tommy the guitar player was tremendous and Crash Dan was the best drummer I ever played with, although he was so bombastic that I more or less left the band out of fear of losing my hearing. I was pretty much the least talented in that group and have yet to put together another band with as much talent and potential, but it hasn't stopped me from trying. Now when I am the most talented in a band we simply aren't very good, but I digress...
Feel free to give the track a listen. Someday when I get around to it I hope to convert my MySpace page to allow for me to post the entire album, called This, but that is another project for another day. The sun just came out so I need to go borrow a few "face rays" on the back porch. Peace.
I have added an audio clip to my profile for your listening enjoyment. I was hoping it would play while the main page was being viewed but apparently I still have a lot to learn here? The song is from my last band that did any recording, called Inspector Fuzz. This track, and a few others, actually got some airtime on local radio station 95X. Well, they were played on a program called Soundcheck, which is a showcase for local talent but it sounds impressive enough nonetheless. The song is called "Whose Is It" and is the only song from our album that I wrote alone, sans guitar lead and tasty drum fills. Yes that is me singing so try to make it through the entire song...lol. Tommy the guitar player was tremendous and Crash Dan was the best drummer I ever played with, although he was so bombastic that I more or less left the band out of fear of losing my hearing. I was pretty much the least talented in that group and have yet to put together another band with as much talent and potential, but it hasn't stopped me from trying. Now when I am the most talented in a band we simply aren't very good, but I digress...
Feel free to give the track a listen. Someday when I get around to it I hope to convert my MySpace page to allow for me to post the entire album, called This, but that is another project for another day. The sun just came out so I need to go borrow a few "face rays" on the back porch. Peace.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
New Blog, Same Old Douchebaggery
The night was sultry, and I needed a good line to start this endeavor. I was planning on beginning with a brief synapsis of my victorious poker evening but would be remiss if I failed to mention my baby bro's good fortune. He and his wife have been blessed with twins, one of each, as a welcomed addition to their family. Fortunately for him his other "addition," the one to his home, is nearly complete. As this is their third and fourth child respectively, space is at a premium. Good job Steve-O. Your sperms be workin'. I can't wait to meet my new neice and nephew. Now my brother and sister-in-law are a tad bit peculiar when it comes to name selection but I am assured they are all good, wholesome Irish monikers. Since I cannot recall any Irish blood in my family we can rest assured on who is wearing the pants in the family, so to speak. I guess you don't get four children by wearing pants anyhow so that is neither here nor there. Now for the safety of the children I won't use any names but are kids really supposed to have three last names? Of course I am joking but they certainly are "different." Good for them, I say.
Now if you have found yourself reading this text then I say welcome. You undoubtably know me personally or know one of my online poker aliases or have read my commentary is some online forum or another, or are some weird stalking type or both or none or all of the above. If I left anyone out then get over yourself. I can't know everything (to which those that hate me from the forums will attest, but they are retards). .....Now I'm sitting here wondering if my punctuation is correct with such a use of parenthesis? This blog thing might take up more of my time that I am prepared to sacrifice, and it already has taken more than my wife would like, especially if I second guess every bit of grammar I scribe. But I wear the pants in this family, and now that I think of it I think she bought me these pants? She wasn't very happy when my fat ass no longer fit in my size 38's. Come to think of it, neither was I. After a few more beers I might be staring 42's in the face, or the fly since pants don't have faces. Maybe they do but my trouser anatomy could be a bit lacking. Now I will tell you that I missed my calling as a writer because you didn't even see that tremendous self-depricating pun coming and in fact are going back to reread it at this very moment. That is good shit, ain't it?
Oh yeah, das poker game. So I am sitting in the #1 seat in a live poker game earlier tonight and as usual am holding my own. I take great delight in punishing inferior players and am equally skilled at faking the sincerity required to not appear to be a complete asshole. The kid to my right, a Gulf War veteran with "Insane Asylum" tattoed on his forearms, is in a quandry. He has a very healthy stack but is soon to be considered late for work. Before he even gets dealt his cards he announces to the table that he is going all-in on this next hand so he can try to expediate the game along. I am in the small blind so I watch everyone fold around to his expected shove and look down to see A-3 offsuit. Now he hasn't even looked at his cards so it's a snapcall. Of course the big blind whines that he was going to call but begrudgingly folds. Army man flips over K-Q. Suddenly calling off over 10,000 chips doesn't seem like such a certainty, but the poker gods understand his dilemma and deliver me a flopped ace and we both are happy. Well, He lost his buy-in and a chance at the big money and now had to risk a ticket and speed to work so calling him "happy" is subjective at best. Needless to say it was elementary turning my moster stack into a tournament win. I did however offer my heads-up opponent a deal when he won two hands in a row and started making me nervous. I was thinking I made a mistake when he said "I'd be a fool not to take it." No sir, I was the fool to offer, but we drank it at the bar later so it mattered little.
Now if you have found yourself reading this text then I say welcome. You undoubtably know me personally or know one of my online poker aliases or have read my commentary is some online forum or another, or are some weird stalking type or both or none or all of the above. If I left anyone out then get over yourself. I can't know everything (to which those that hate me from the forums will attest, but they are retards). .....Now I'm sitting here wondering if my punctuation is correct with such a use of parenthesis? This blog thing might take up more of my time that I am prepared to sacrifice, and it already has taken more than my wife would like, especially if I second guess every bit of grammar I scribe. But I wear the pants in this family, and now that I think of it I think she bought me these pants? She wasn't very happy when my fat ass no longer fit in my size 38's. Come to think of it, neither was I. After a few more beers I might be staring 42's in the face, or the fly since pants don't have faces. Maybe they do but my trouser anatomy could be a bit lacking. Now I will tell you that I missed my calling as a writer because you didn't even see that tremendous self-depricating pun coming and in fact are going back to reread it at this very moment. That is good shit, ain't it?
Oh yeah, das poker game. So I am sitting in the #1 seat in a live poker game earlier tonight and as usual am holding my own. I take great delight in punishing inferior players and am equally skilled at faking the sincerity required to not appear to be a complete asshole. The kid to my right, a Gulf War veteran with "Insane Asylum" tattoed on his forearms, is in a quandry. He has a very healthy stack but is soon to be considered late for work. Before he even gets dealt his cards he announces to the table that he is going all-in on this next hand so he can try to expediate the game along. I am in the small blind so I watch everyone fold around to his expected shove and look down to see A-3 offsuit. Now he hasn't even looked at his cards so it's a snapcall. Of course the big blind whines that he was going to call but begrudgingly folds. Army man flips over K-Q. Suddenly calling off over 10,000 chips doesn't seem like such a certainty, but the poker gods understand his dilemma and deliver me a flopped ace and we both are happy. Well, He lost his buy-in and a chance at the big money and now had to risk a ticket and speed to work so calling him "happy" is subjective at best. Needless to say it was elementary turning my moster stack into a tournament win. I did however offer my heads-up opponent a deal when he won two hands in a row and started making me nervous. I was thinking I made a mistake when he said "I'd be a fool not to take it." No sir, I was the fool to offer, but we drank it at the bar later so it mattered little.
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