Airport Baggage Claim

There are few things more relieving than getting off of a crowded airplane after a long and uncomfortable flight. Being able to walk and stretch your legs is heavenly and the thought of sleeping in your own bed is actually a glorious prospect. First however we need to battle the assholes one more time on this adventure and go claim our luggage.

Regardless of the amount of signage telling people to stand back, inevitably these dumbasses pack as tightly as humanly possible around the carousel, because afterall this is their world and nothing is as important as their bags. They don't care that their kids are running around annoying others. They don't care that some old lady is trying deperately to get through the crowd as her bag makes it's third pass by their indifferent blockade. It's like getting boxed out in a professional basketball game. Your position must be protected because it apparently makes your suitcase move through the system faster?

I am a big person and this is the perfect scenario and only legal place for me to knock people off-balance on purpose. "Excuse me", "pardon me", and "coming through" are all acceptable warnings before laying a shoulder into the fucking jerk who still is fighting to hold his position from any other asshole that dare stake a claim on his real estate. If they give me shit then I will say as loud as reasonably possible, which is loud enough for all to hear but not loud enough to excite security, "I know you were here first Sir, and this is YOUR spot, but that is my bag right there." Another of my favorites is "If everyone took a step backwards like they are supposed to then you could have the whole god-damned carousel to yourself, Sir! In the meantime however may I please have access to my bag? Thank you!" This is the prefect way to make absolutely everyone completely uncomfortable and take a baby step backwards. This is short-lived however, as within seconds their asshole, hooray for me instincts override their sensibilities and they are once again tucked tightly up against the machinery waiting for what hopefully, God willing, is luggage that never comes.