Fantasy Football Asshole

I played my first season of fantasy football this year. My cousin basically begged me to join their league so they would have enough teams in order for her nine year old son to participate in a friendly contest. For that reason alone I agreed. I'm not a big fan of playing silly games with former high school jocks reliving their glory days vicariously through the internet, but I'll do pretty much anything for the kids. Of course my OCD kicked in at full throttle and I was prepared to dominate at this endeavor, pretty much like I dominate in everything I do. Suddenly I gave two shits about receiving yards and defense percentages. Those super fucking annoying personal player statistics that scroll across the TV screen during games now didn't piss me off as much. By the end of the season I had amassed the largest number of points of anyone in the league. What struck me as odd however was that I had only won four head to head matchups. WTF is an understatement, but that is neither here nor there.

I found myself in the last week of the season matched up against my aforementioned nine year old cousin. He found himself on the outside looking in as far as the league playoffs were concerned. He desperately needed a win against me and needed the player ahead of him in the standings to lose. If this occured then he was in the post season and would have been delighted. Naturally I kept the smack talk going and informed him he was going down. At one point I made an off the cuff remark that if he sent me a dollar then I would throw the game in his favor. Well wouldn't you know it that the poor kid sent me probably his only money in the mail? Being a big softie I released a few players to make room on my bench to sit my best players to ensure him the win, which he did get, even if that meant sacrificing my points lead and my only bragging rights. Doin' it for the kids, man. Doin' it for the kids.

Now I am not just patting myself on the back here. There is more to the story. Remember I mentioned that the player in front of my young cousin needed to lose? Well that player is, and are you ready for this, that player is my young cousin's father. This is the asshole who has had so many courts rule against him is his custody battle for his son that he is appealing to the state supreme court and is literally preparing a case for the United States Supreme Court if need be. This competitive prick is so engrossed with his own personal satisfaction that some insignificant virtual trophy in fantasy football means more to him than the happiness his son would feel being successful at a silly game. This selfish fuck was actually making roster moves and most likely spent hours preparing the best possible team he could field. Incidentally assface won his matchup by forty points and ended his son's season. What kind of steaming pile of dogshit spends his son's college tuition money on lawyers for frivolous supreme court cases in his son's name and then creates the most damning evidence to date that his son's well being is secondary to something as trivial and worthless as fucking fanatasy football? You see, his ex-wife and in-laws are also playing so it is much more than a game to him. So what if his son becomes a casualty of war? All is fair, right? This is certainly a textbook case of winning at all costs and fuckstick is just too stupid to do the accounting.